10AM
Field #1: AT All Stars @ Spike Hill
(AT 12 / Spike 21)
Field #2: Black Betty @ R Bar
Betty jumped out to an early lead against an R Bar team that was missing some key players. Betty lead 7-0 after the top of the first but R Bar came storming back to close the lead to 7-5. R Bar brought in Bubbs to start pitching in the second but that moved weakened an already light defense due to them missing some key players. Black Betty tacked on runs through out the game and their defense didn’t let up more than one run an inning for the rest of the game.
(Betty 24 / R Bar 8 )
12pm
Field #1: Black Betty @ Spike Hill
Grab your grandma’s blonde wig and start the macaroni because this game was a Drambuie-swaggler! Betty. Hill. Betty Hill. What? Who in the hell is Betty Hill? What the shit is going on here? Why are my pants off? How come Belz just ran out my door with seven pair of socks and my favorite Nickelback CD, shouting, “START THE CAR, BABE!”? God, I hate Betty Hill. I think she stole my socks and my Nickelback CD. I’ll get Belz to investigate; he’s good people. I smell toast.
According to the latest edition of Sweet Lou’s Rankings o’ Power, brought to you by Turkey’s Nest Brand Portable Beverages, The American Styrofoam Council and Williamsburg local hero, Brian “Bry” Buhcop, this high noonish matchup paired the numbers 1 and 3 teams in the league against one another, in a battle of dirty goddamn liars. That’s right, AK and McNelis, I said it. Liars, the both of ya! “Black” Betty, you say? HORSE HOCKEY! The Betty wears yellow, meow. Cat Game busted! And as for Spike Hill … THERE IS NO SPIKE HILL, YOU WALKING DICKHOLES! You freakin’ people are reping a bar that doesn’t exist, like true love or the female orgasm … IT’S A MYTH! Wake up and buy her something nice because anyone who says a woman can pleased in bed is either lying or Holland Cowger (H understands foreplay and apparently knows how to arouse whatever the female equivalent of a penis is … a she-penis? A Shenis. Yes, I’m sure that’s the scientific term. Well done, H, you shenis-hound).
Anywho, with the undefeated Betties coming into this contest without having lost all season, and, perhaps even more impressively, having won every game they’ve played, and the Hillians, coming off their first loss of the season to the Nest two weekends prior, Spike Hill would play the unfamiliar role of overcat … scratch that, reverse it.
With both squads coming off wins in the antemeridian legs of their day/day double-headers, neither team looked to skip a beat in this rivalry game. Betty wasted no time making their presence felt, as Kevin “Nice Shot, Babe! … Thanks Babe! I love you Babe! … I love you too Babe! I’ll see you when you get back to the bench, Babe! … Ok Babe, I’ll be here. I LOVE YOU BABE! … I LOVE YOU TOO, BABE!” Belz (3-4, 2R) delivered a classic KBLSTRCTDRIFOMF (Kevin Belz Leadoff Single To Right Center That Dropped Right In Front Of My Feet), followed by Pat “Blueberry” LeCompote, dropping a bomb over Dubin’s jewhead in deeeeeep right center field, putting the Scorpions up 2-0 after 1 inning of spirited bar-on-bar crime. The Hillians would get on the board in the 2nd, when Salacious Steve Mina drove in This Sexy-Ass Writer from 3rd, cutting the Black lead in half (Note to self: half of 2 is 1).
The Hillians would take a one-run lead in the 4th, and would add to it in the 5th, on an RBI single by Chris “Soft, Sexy Kiss” Irish (3-4, RBI, 2R), scoring Kevin “Chloroform First Date” Kane (2-4, 2B, R). On the mound, Kane settled in after the 1st, holding the Betties scoreless over the next four innings, until, in the top of the 6th, when Helz Belz roped another single through the right side, and was eventually driven in by 2014 “Accidental” Subway Butt Grab Champion, Dave “My Client Pleads Not Guilty By Reason of Awesomeness” Pretto.
The Hillians would answer back, however, in the bottom of the frame, putting up four runs on hits by Phil “I Fart In The General Direction of Your Lefty Shift” Michael (4-4, 2 2B, 2 RBI, 3R), Mike “PSYCH … you owe me a Coke” Powell (1-4, R), Alex “I Can’t Play on Field 2 Because My Parole Officer Says It’s Too Close to a School” Dubin (3-3, 2B, 3B, 3 RBI, 3R), Steve “Hoop Earrings Are MY THING” Mina (2-4, 2 RBI, R), and Sam “I Still Go To Z100’s Jingle Ball Every Year” Warden (I have no idea what Sam’s line was because of the girl sub thing that I can’t follow in the book, so let’s just assume that Sam had 7 hits and stopped the “cold water, Gatorade, watermelon” guy from committing a B felony). By the way, if he really did steal someone’s phone, I call for a league-wide boycott of his services. “NO WATER! HATORADE! WATER-FELON!” But I digress.
With the Hillians rolling, many, if not, most teams might just pack it in but the Bettys are not most teams. When you punch Black Betty in the mouth, they just smile, spit out a tooth and get ready to punch you back because as Mary Kate and Ashley King-Camarra can tell you, violence is like duct tape: it fixes everything. And so it was, as Jake “The Unnecessary Saw” Levine (2-4, HR, RBI, R) led off the top of the 7th with a MISSILE over the head of … everything, followed by a single off the bat of lead WSL umpire and my personal hero, Lee O’Tero (2-4, R) and a classic Andrew “Thrillian” Killian (2-4, 2B, HR, 2 RBI, R) home run that was so goddamn majestic, that Spike Hill’s right side of the outfield removed their caps and saluted as the ball sailed over their heads and into the distant distance off in the distance. Despite this furious comeback effort from the Bettys, Spike Hill would tack on four more runs in the 7th and 8th to hold off the defending Conference champs, handing the mighty Blacks their first loss of the season.
Defensive Notes: Steve “No One in The World Actually Needs a Shooting Sleeve to Play Basketball” Mina made a late-game, game-saving play in the hole, that totally saved the game late in the game and Mike “Why Are You Still Surprised When I Blow Your Mindhole?” Powell made maybe the greatest catch in the history of mankind, robbing Julio “Your Name is Gonna Be Julio Gulio?!” Soriano of a monster home run, whilst reaching OVER the fence of the first base dugout on field 2, whilst there was a play on in the other game. WHILST WHATST?!
The Bettys will look to rebound next week when they face the Pinks, while Spike Hill will play another double header, facing the Loggers and the red-hot Gutter (Note: Red Hot Gutter would be an AMAZING name for a porno shot on Skid Row). Also, the new X-Men movie is overrated and 30 minutes too long. There. I said it.
(Betty 6 / Spike 12)
Field #2: R Bar @ Three Kings
(Betty 18/ R Bar 19 )
2pm
Field #1: Kilo Bravo @ Gutter 86ers
(Kilo 7 / 86ers 25)
Field #2: Turkey’s Nest @ Clemerica (Nat the Bat)
There has always been a very special bond between the Turkey’s Nest (a.k.a. good ol’ boys of summer) and Clemerica. Sweet Face Mitchell and Brooding Stryker made headlines last summer with their hot and heavy bromance, but to everyone’s surprise, Stryker didn’t stand a chance against the lovely Maria Maria! This Sunday, tensions were high between these estranged lovers, and there were even talks of a duel ensuing on the battlefield of McCarren Park. The weapon of choice? A Shotgun (beer, duh!). These adversaries threatened beer chugging prior to each of their at bats, but once Mitchell batted those eyelashes, and those pretty brown eyes glimmered in the afternoon sunlight, Stryker was left defenseless. No duel ensued, much to the disappointment of the crowd, but Stryker adjusted his cup, and took the mound to defend his virtue, and lead Clemerica into victory.
Battleship took the field first, and second in command, Stryker, in true diva form, pulled a Beyonce and had about 4 costume changes throughout the game: opening up with the traditional baby blue Turkey’s Nest jersey (which I’m sure confused some onlookers), followed by the limited edition Cinco de Mayo cherry red “Los Turkeys” jersey, and then finally closed the game in his old school, suns out, guns out, cut off Clemerica jersey. Karl France took the mound for the Nest, but his sneaky pitches were not enough to keep the Clemericans at bay.
Nest was first to strike scoring one in the top of the first, but the ship answered back with one of their own. Top of the second the Turkeys put up 2 runs, but Clemerica felt a little pep in their step and felt like crushing, batting around the lineup and putting up 9 runs in the bottom of the inning which ended up being the kiss of death for the Turks. The Battleship was able to tack on a few more runs in the later innings, but played lights out defense, only giving up 1 run after the 2nd inning. Leading the hitting barrage was Mulligan, going 4 for 4, with a sac fly, with 1 HR short of the cycle! Markow was next in line going 3 for 4 with a handful of RBIs. Miss Sassafras Katie French showed great patience and determination at the plate, getting on base 3 out of 4 appearances, drawing 2 walks and a hit, and scoring 3 runs! As for the battleship defense, Nat the Bat made her first appearance off of the DL and took her place at 1B, with Mully looking mighty comfortable at 3B alongside Markow at SS, with Bobert Sunshine Maxwell leading the charge in the outfield. The battleship played that Hard D per usual, and will continue to hold bragging rights on having the second fewest runs against in the league, holding the big Nest hitters to only 4 runs on the day.
Now for the play of the game brought to you courtesy of Burt Reynolds, Jr, Mitchell Sparkles: Markow started off the bottom of the 4th inning with a line drive single, with Breezy on deck. Good ol’ Captain Breezerino laced one up the middle, but Mitchell channeled his inner MJ and got quite a bit of air to rob Breeze of what was sure to be a gapper. Markow was stopped dead in his tracks, and his quick legs didn’t stand a match against Mitchy’s rifle. Shots fired. But we know how this story ends. Stryker hung onto his virtue, and delivered the W for his shipmates.
Special shout outs to my favorite Turkey’s Nester (no, it’s not Mitchell, despite what this recap may suggest) Big Dan Shafer, who’s smile and theatrics brighten all of our days! Don’t worry Karl, you’re up there, too! J
(Nest 4 / Clems 14 )
4pm
Field #1: SoftSpot Specials @ St. Anselm (Grambo)
Neither St. Anslem’s or The Soft Spot Runaways had doubleheaders this past Sunday, but they might as well have. This epic eleven inning battle was a rematch of the week one barn burner that saw St. A’s walk away with a three run win. This game would somehow be even closer…
(Specials 20 / St. A 21)
Field #2: Loggers @ Clemerica (The Heitcz)
Clems did some recruiting this offseason and added a number of new guys including all around nice guy Danny Mulligan. After the dust settled, the Loggers found out that John Condon was now an Ex-Clemerican. Following a chance meeting on a street corner, a bearded man, two dudes and a pair of headphones, Condon signed with the Loggers. Clems ended up pretty stacked, but they made a mistake on this one and the Loggers have been reaping the benefits all season. Given that back story, you could expect Condon was coming into this game with designs of, shall we say, revenge.
Clems kicked off the game with a run in the top of the first thanks to a single by Old Craig and a Double by Bobby. The Loggers M.O. this season has been keeping the game within reach and that was the case yet again. After a walk and then singles by Condon and Heitczman the Loggers were up 2-1. Clems’ offense went dormant for the next 3 innings thanks to Condon and the Loggers’ outfield being expertly positioned. The Loggers would add two more runs after a Mark Brenner walk and a Condon 2-run blast. At this point, the Loggers were cruising up 4-1 and I bet you know where this is going. Condon gets his revenge, saves the Girl. Breezy asks him to rejoin his unit and he gets to deliver a classic 80s line like “No Chance!” roll credits, freeze frame, high five.
Battleship was not ready to concede and Captain BBQ led his men to a 5-run inning leading off with a single. After taking the lead 5-4, they were not finished putting up another 5 spot the next inning on six straight hits including a HR by Bobby. Down 10-4 things did not look good and Lance the Dance was settling in on the mound while Markow was making every play just about everywhere in the infield. The Newest Logger, Alex, got up in the 7th and knocked an opposite field HR in the gap good for 2 more runs. Clems would be shut down the rest of the way, but the Loggers went into the 9th down 4 runs. After two outs to start the inning, Condon would get on base and Heitczman would come around to score on a deep fly to Breezy that turned into an adventure, but Clemerica would shut the door and end all hopes of an 80s ending. Clems saw big days from Breezy 2-3 and Bobby 3-4 with a HR. While Condon held up his end of the deal going 3-4 with a HR and 3 RBIs.
(Loggers 8 / Clems 10 )
6pm
Field #1: Turkey’s Teachers @ Gibson
(TNT 7 / Gibson 19)
Field #2: Bedford Yetis @ Roebling Sports Club
For eight weeks, RSC has stated they’re better than their record shows. Way better. Sean, owner of both fine establishments, called the win earlier in the week, citing well researched evidence that RSC were better customers after games. Justin, starting at short for the beloved and sadly injured Ope (did I mention Humphries also hits the ball very far?), confidently stated right before the game that he just knew, this would be Roebling’s week. And two weeks before, Kilo NARROWLY escaped a loss-I know the Pinks are still secretly breathing a sigh of relief they didn’t fall to RSC. We’re coming for ya.
(Yetis 12 / RSC 16)
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