Standings

Joe Godsy Division
NORTH W L PCT RF RA
R Bar 11 9 .550 243 225
St. Anselm 9 10 .474 194 249
Clems 7 12 .368 181 237
AT All-Stars 3 16 .158 158 291
 
SOUTH W L PCT RF RA
3 Kings 19 2 .905 338 166
Turkey's Nest 13 7 .650 223 229
The Bedford Yetis 10 10 .500 244 244
Gibson 2 17 .105 198 298
 
Joe Fashion Division
NORTH W L PCT RF RA
A Bar Runaways 14 6 .700 234 145
Black Betty 11 8 .579 224 170
Kilo Bravo 11 9 .550 277 220
Loggers 6 13 .316 172 274
 
SOUTH W L PCT RF RA
The Gutter 86ers 16 4 .800 263 177
Spike Hill 15 6 .714 321 184
Roebling Sports Club 7 12 .368 214 272
Turkey's Teachers 3 16 .158 172 275

Schedule

Championship Sunday - Sep 24
11:00 Kilo Bravo @ Spike Hill 1
Turkey's Nest @ 3 Kings 2
1:00 North All-Stars @ South All-Stars 2
2:30 Spike Hill @ 3 Kings 2

Last Week's Results

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Week 3 RECAP

Fri, Apr 22, 2016

Three weeks into the season and we haven’t gotten a recap posted before Thursday of the following week. We suck. By the time Thursday or Friday comes along, no one even gives a shit about last weekend’s game. Everyone has heard all the stories and is more concerned about the upcoming game. We need to get our shit together. With that in mind, we have decided to give Homer Wadsworth an official warning that if he doesn’t start turning in his write-ups on time, we are going to fire him. It’s a harsh action but Shortz built up this empire and we can’t let reckless (and now employed) people like Homer ruin this landmark. We are sharing with the WSL community because we want you to realize that he has been warned. Hopefully this lights a fire under Homer’s ass and he starts doing his job… Speaking of doing your job, we now shift to our recap rant of week 3 – Base Coaches who aren’t paying attention.

Week 3 Recap Rant: Base Coaches who aren’t paying attention….. Why are you standing away from your team and almost on the field but you don’t know what’s going on? If you are a base coach and you have to ask someone “how many outs?”, you are basically just saying “I’m standing over here because I don’t really want to talk with anyone but I also don’t want to pay attention to the game and I really don’t want to help anyone out so… just scream from the bench.” And when the runner is coming to the base  and you don’t say anything, you are like a spotter in gymnastics making no attempt to catch the person they are spotting when they fall off the uneven bars. (Side note – Dubin fell off the uneven bars 17 times one month and he wasn’t even a gymnast. He wasn’t even living indoors that summer.) Anyway – are you doing Yoga over there? I see you stretching like you pulled multiple muscles running down that pop up. What am I doing? Did the ball go through? Should I run? Luckily for you there are also people who don’t even listen to the base coach and just do whatever the fuck they want. It balances out I guess….. but people who listen to base coaches and try to do a good job base coaching hate you all…. Luckily for you, people who pay attention to base coaches or try to go a good job coaching a base are fucking losers so who gives a shit what they think. I’m not even sure where I stand anymore on this topic. It became much more complicated mid-rant and my delete key is stuck because I spilled BBQ sauce on the keyboard just now. I’m going to stay on the base and hope they rule this hit a triple and not a single with a two base error. Here is week 3…..

 

11AM

Field #1: R Bar @ Gibson (Grambo)

R-Bar cap John Ciccone put it like this: “They are much improved.” There were approx. thirty people celebrating their birthday for this game–did birthday boy numero uno ADOS finally do what yours truly failed to all these years and beat a top tier WSL team?  Stick around to the end of this recap and you can find out (spoiler alert: no).

The defending champs came out strong in the first, but got matched run for run by the upstart Gibby until the sixth inning, that is, when the Bums nearly batted around and plated nine runs, including a grand salami from the soon to be Mr. D-Lo Adam Caccavale.  Speaking of D-Lo–she and her lady teammates–birthday gal Katie Pasquesi and Jocelyn Martin combined for seven hits, including a huge 2 RBI double from the rookie Jocelyn. Birthday boy number two Jason Merhaut and Bums rookie D-Nasty also had big games at the plate.

So–no, the Gibson didn’t pull it off–YET.  John says these guys are good, and you’d probably be well served to listen to the Champion’s Captain…looking at you, Loggers.  The R-Bar has a rare bye week–see you in week five!!

(R Bar 20 / Gibson 5)

 

 

Field #2: Kilo Bravo @ Bedford Yetis (Alexander P. Dubin Esq.) 

I’m not really sure how to write this one. Piling on to the worst beatdown since that time I overcooked the roast and Holland put me in the ICU for a week, would be mean and unoriginal but ignoring the slaughter would be merciful and weak. What to do, what to do? Let’s start with the obvious: KB beat the Yetis so badly that I think the game may have qualified as a hate crime. That game may have been the worst thing to happen to the Yetis since last year’s jerseys. What I find to be the much more interesting part of this game, however, is the untold saga of Mike Queue.

Things to remember: 1) The Alamo, 2) Q was once the bartender at the Bedford but was unceremoniously fired and replaced by out of work actor and Williamsburg resident, Johnathan Taylor Thomas, 3) Q was found by KB owner, Kate, lying naked and shivering on the blacktop, singing Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know,” and 4) K8 took mercy on Q, bringing him back to Kilo and nursing him back to health through the use of Jack Daniels, grilled cheese and clown porn, much of which, ironically, staring Johnathan Taylor Thomas, including the underappreciated classic, “Busty The Clown.” All of this is by way of reminding you, my loyal readers, that Q, once cast aside by the Bedford, was resurrected in a totally blasphemous way by Kilo Bravisimo … and Sunday was a bottomless beatdown for the residents of Brunchville. Just off the DL with a giant cock, Q returned to the field against his former employer WITH A VENGENCE and a sugar free Red Bull. According to Dom, who made fun of me in his recap and who, incidentally, molests collies, Q went 6-7 with 3 homers, 2 sex offenses, 4 paternity suits and tin of mint flavored Tony Gwynn Brand Kodiak chaw.

Other notable Pinkformances: Allen “Turn Up The Base” Boseman hit for the cycle and just for shits and giggles and free Coachella tickets, added a salami of grand proportions in the 5th ; Tommy “Dos Testiclos” Talty went 6-8 with a cycle of his own and a winning smile; Steve “Spinderella Cut It Up One Time” Peralta also went 6-8 with a triple, a homer and a blumpkin (also reportedly given with a smile); Horatio “Comfy” Salazaar went 7-8 with a double, a homer and a warm oil massage and new pink lady, Alicia “Pink E. Swear” Mattiello, went 5-6 and is now batting close to .700 on the young season. On a much more hurtful note, having never even met me, I have been assured by the powers that be that Alicia is the latest in a long line of WSL ladies who would rather lick the floor of the Turkey’s Nest bathroom than have a beer with me. There are nicer ways to tell me these things people.

On the Yetis’ side, we at the WSL Writers’ Guild, received an understandably short and less understandably angry recap. Yes, you got blown out like Shaft’s afro. Yes, it was by a team wearing bright pink. No, Alicia won’t go out with me. But our fearless leader, editor and token Italian, Sweet Lou The Grande Gia, didn’t do anything to you and you send him a recap so terse that I had to go look up a word to describe how short and angry it was (the word I found was “terse”)? Have you ever seen Lou cry? Well neither had I … until that recap. Sure, he’d just been kicked in the balls by one of his 7 kids and maybe that’s why he was crying but maybe, juuuuust maybe, it was your recap and if so, I say FOR SHAME, The Bedford Yetis, FOR SHAME!

Things I learned from Terse Recapgate: 1) Ironically, the Bedford, an establishment known for its brunch, sponsors a softball team that does not like doing business at 11 am on a Sunday; 2) Pizza left the game for some reason; 3) Shirtless Sam hit into a double play, and 4) The Bedford agrees that Alicia will not go out with me. I HATE CURSIVE AND I HATE ALL OF YOU! I’M NEVER COMING BACK TO MCCARREN … NEVER!

(Kilo 40 / Yetis 15) – No seriously…. That was the score. Stop looking at the left of the page to check.

 

1PM

Field #1: Three Kings @ Loggers (Homer Wadsworth)

It was Sunday and my boss was asking me for updates. Any upsets?  Blowouts?  Scoop?

I only attended my own game and that wasn’t too exciting so I had to make some shit up and say I heard this game was good and that one was close but somehow I missed the biggest story of the day.  The Loggers played the Kings and provided the league’s only real story for the weekend.  Take that other writers!  Your stories suck.  The good news is the recaps were so inspired that I merely need to take what the Logger penman wrote and make it into editorial gold.   Of course, the 3Ks in classic style tip their cap and show they might have a rep but they play the game with class and finish with respect.  I thin

k the term:  it’s not how you fall but how you pick yourself back up.  I think it’s safe to say the 3Ks aren’t going anywhere and will be perplexing teams with their lineup and striking defensive skills for the rest of the season.

As for the Loggers, they played some inspired softball and really took it to their opponent this past Sunday.  I could paraphrase and rip off a few quotes, but that’s too hard and copy and pasting Craig’s output is hella easier.  This is when Craig get’s worried\excited his words made it to the internets.

This past Sunday at 1pm it was almost as if Summer Screen came to McCarren Park Early this year.  The movie of the week was none other than cult 80’s Classic Tango & Cash. (click here for the trailer) Yes some of you know it and many more will ask was Arnold (kill me, I’m right here) in that?  Never mind all that, to sum it up it is your classic bad cop, worse cop movie where they hate each other and then team up to take down the big bad drug dealers.

You are starting to see where we are going, wonder who the bad guys are? Take a guess.  This version of the film starred Nike Tomeo, as feared drug lord Yves Perret and his band of merry bad guys, Thomas Santoro as Mr. Pony Tail and pitcher Matt Marcus as Face.  Out to take the Kings down once and for all was Tony Basile as Ray Tango and Craig Heitczman as Gabriel Cash.

After a Loggers upset of the 3 Kings in the playoffs a few seasons ago Tomeo had reached his limit and it was time to eliminate Tango and Cash.  The two cops were set up and framed for the murder of the Loggers 2015 after a devastating beat down by the King last season. Tango & Cash were sent to the offseason to rot in prison.  With no chance to get out legally they had to escape.

After an offseason jail break gliding down some high tension wires on our belts in the rain (they don’t give out belts in prision), Cash met the loveable Kiki played by Rookie Dan Sykes (should be a girl but his stats dictated he be part of the story).  Once the trio were united they banded together to storm the 3 Kings Drug Compound.  With the help of mad genius Owen and his wonderful toys played by Mark Brenner, Tango & Cash and the rest of Loggers took down the likes of Tomeo and his boys, 14 to 10.

But like all 80’s movie these days a sequel is always just around the corner, even if it is years down the road.  Thankfully for all of us we only have to wait for the end of the season where Paret is sure to turn up alive and well waiting to sick My.Ponytail on us again to decide the fate of the division the playoffs.  Long live the 3 Kings vs Loggers rivalry and a hat tip to the Kings for a well-played clean game.

Roll Credits:

Cast:

Ray Tango …………..Tony Basilie ………..3-3 with 2 Hr’s and 6 Rbis

Gabriel Cash………..Craig Heitczman…..3-3 with a triple 2 rbi, 2 runs

Kiki Tango…………..Dan Sykes…………….3-3 with a triple 1 rbi, 2 runs

Key Grips:

Ciderellas……………Kristen Pisanelli, Erika Tucker and Stephenie Erwin


The Kings’ sent in a much shorter email but gave all the credit to the Loggers for a well deserved win.  Did I see Francesca’s sister out on the field?  Did I also see some nice shit talking on Facebook?


(Three Kings 12 / Loggers 18)

 

Field #2: Turkey’s Nest @ AT All-Stars (Curt Shilling) 

“With Shafer out, it comes down to me or you for best dressed… And as we previously discussed, tie goes to the sweatpants….”

Last week we pointed out that AT was a good bet for an upset in week 3. We knew that The Nest was going to be missing Shafer, JL, Mitch and Andy (who we believe all have a pretty good WAR). Plus – with JL out of the game, who would pitch for the Nest? But what the we didn’t count on was the return of a trio of OG Turks who came riding over the horizon all sharing the same kids scooter. David Bassin, Jordan Heller and Bryan Helm dusted off the glove (which is a code word for a condom) and gave it everything they had. Taking the mound was 2014 championship ace David Bassin. Unfortunately he had pulled a muscle in his back just hours before first pitch so his control was a bit…erratic.  Jordan, who stole that scooter we mentioned earlier so he had a gift to give his future child, batted lead-off and hit a key home run that he said was the greatest thing that would happen to him this year.

Korny also had a hell of a game, playing shortstop like it was 2011 and batting clean-up with a huge 2-run RBI to put us the Nest up in the late innings. John “Turns Out He Is Not Related to Steely Dan’s Donald Fagen Because He Spells His Last Name” Fagan replaced DB and at first had trouble finding the strike zone. Sam was umping and some heated words were exchanged. “Your strike zone defies the laws of physics,” Fagan said. “Your argument defies the laws of physics!” Sam said. But soon they realized that neither one of them even knew what physics was and Fagan quickly solved the strike zone equation. He picked up where he left off the week before and ultimately have the last laugh. Or would he?

The depleted Nest were up four runs in the bottom of the ninth but AT strung some hits together and wound up getting the tying run to second base. So again…. picture this….. the tying run is on second base… two outs… the stage is set for something special…. and that’s what happened. The next batter stroked a liner back up the middle but on the third base side of second base. It was a sure single. The runner on second was definitely scoring. But wait… No it can’t be…. Did it? YES IT DID… The ball hit the runner going from 2nd to 3rd. The tying run was out and the game was over… Probably the only time you will see a game end like that. We don’t want to tell you who the runner is because we don’t want to embarrass Ersin but just let’s say it was a guy on AT who’s name is Ersin. Whoever it is probably forgot what happened a few hours after it happened so don’t worry about him.

(Turkey’s Nest 12 / AT 11)

 

3PM

Field #1: Black Betty @ Turkey’s Nest Teachers (Homer Wadsworth)

Holland looks down on everyone…

The cold weather broke last weekend and the league was finally in for a treat.  Actual softball weather.  OK….there might be a few fans out there who are like “Dude…..we play softball in December,” and they might be right.  The Crush was a great fall team, no argument, but that’s over, their team name etched into history at Roebling for everyone’s grandkids to feign interest over years down the line when they visit RSC for some fine vegan wings, but it’s for sure over.

This break in the weather got the kids out for softball and was it good.  OK….more good for the teams who won, but still good nonetheless because clearly no one was at work.   We’re in the salad days of summer when you look back in September and say WTF WAS I DOING IN APRIL?  And you remember you were playing softball and you were loving the fact that the summer was here and you were doing what you love.  And then you watch football.  But until then……

Haz’s Teachers are a much improved squad this season (old news) and the best part about their success is they have no idea how far they’ve come.  Haz has taken some really good talent, Jose and Avri, some old vets who know a thing or x2 about the WSL (DMartin) and the park and then a nice sprinkle of good people who give them cool street cred and an occasional shout out on the innanet.  David Martin, still riding high on his team’s big win in the playoffs and opening day victory, started the game and shut the Betty bats down for the first few innings, keeping hitters off balance and keeping the Teaching Turks in the game.  The Teachers had a few bombs against the immortal JB$ and challenged LCF Mike C on a few depth charges that landed on Field 2’s infield.  The heart of the Teacher lineup hit well, knocking around the Betty’s for 9 runs, using the longball and some timely smacks to keep them in the game but it wasn’t enough as the Betty bombers decided to show up when it got warm out.  They are older. That’s how it works.

A few guys hit dingers for the Betty, like Teach Pretto, AK and even the evil Commissioner, Holland had a McCarren Homerun.  Wait is it hop?  Julio ‘The Rookie’ Soriano had one more than everyone else, challenging the Teacher left field to an entire public pathway where strollers are known to be found, old people prefer to stroll, and that tour of ‘Williamsburg’ that included that St. Elmo’s Fire song for some reason.  I saw that shit 2 summer ago and I still think about it from time to time.  The way they were walking around was as if we were all dead or invisible! And the soundtrack!  It was worth the $5.

Anyway…..the Betty’s scored a bunch of runs and won, but the real winner was Sunday: our holy day of softball observation.  We own that day of the week.  And Jesbus.

Oh….and Chelsey ‘Chelz’’ Fitzgerald went 3 for 4 with a few shots up the middle, scored a few runs and steals my heart every time she has a good AB.  Summer babe.

(Black Betty  21 / TNT 9)

 

Field #2: Gutter 86ers @ Roebling Sports Club (Grambo)

The 86ers took on the beleaguered Roebling Sportsmanpeople Club–could this be the week that captain Mark Halling turns it around? Well, RSC came with some solid D early, and things were looking good on the strength of Dave Babkow’s clutch triple and Sandor and Shawn’s multi-hit games. Plus, Clinchy came back from her KO with a solid liner over SS. Disaster struck midway through the game, however, when Matt Opalack and Captain Mark both came down with a sudden case of the Olds and had to be pulled from the game.  No word, yet, on if the Olds will keep them out of the action going forward this season.  It’s usually a one to 120 month recovery period, but science has come a long way since Derek Jeter had this injury late in 2014, so we’re rooting for ya, Mark and Matt.

So, the RSC kept the D tight and had some great hits–and they held the 86ers to only seven runs–but late inning theatrics from Al Buttah’s fellas and gals took a toll. The 4-3 duo of Mal VP and Rich Iarossi locked it down–ending two potential late-game run scoring innings with slick-ass double plays–and all-WSL superstar Dave Osbourne hit one with the bases juiced in the ninth to seal the deal….not quite a game-winning-walk-off grand slam, but pretty close, because the RSC couldn’t overcome the defiecit.  The real star of this game from the 86ers side, though, was pitcher Nat MurrayCaptain EEEEEEEELEVENNNN says Nat’s pitching and defense were the real stars on Sunday.  So–the RSC looked a lot better than the first two weeks, but the late inning O–From D-O, among others, was just too much.

(86ers 13 / RSC 5)

 

5PM

 Field  #1 Spike Hill @ Soft Spot Runaways (Alexander P. Dubin Esq)

Ooooo…. Look how HOT Morgan is.. Damn that girl is fly” – Steve

First off, I want to give credit/place blame for what follows on my writing partner, Graham Gabriel “3G LTE” Gaston. Moving on, The Sons (and Daughters) of the Hill faced off this past Sunday with the Disgruntled Rebellious Teens Who Would Rather Live On The Street Than Under Your Roof, If Living Under Your Roof Means Abiding By Your Stupid Fascist Rules, You Stupid Fascist … I HATE YOU! That’s what a kid might say before Running … Away. The best jokes are the ones that you have to explain, don’t you agree?

On to the game … The Fightin’ O’Malleys got off to a fast start, scoring 4 runs in the top of the 1st off brand new Pete’s hurler and my personal voice and acting coach, “Guards … CZR Them!”, but that would be the only real offensive explosion of the game for either side. This one was all about pitching, defense and some drunk guy taking the “Chad is hot” joke way too far. Did you hear that, peoples? I, Alex Freaking Dubin, just accused someone of going too far. That’s kind of like when a Kennedy tells you you’ve had too much to drink, or Morgan pulls you aside and says, “I think you’ve put enough pink in your hair.” We get it, Chad is man-pretty but Jesus Tapdancing Christ on a Cracker … either pump the brakes or just roofie the guy already. Side note: Chad threw out Blake “Cool Poppa” Lauck trying to go 1st to 3rd on an Iron Mike O’Malley single. I’ll give you a moment to collect yourselves before I repeat that statement. … Chad threw out Usain Bolt’s flashier, louder, blacker brother! I’ve never seen that! I’ve never even dared to think it possible. Was there a ripple in the space-time continuum? Did the Congressional Hispanic Caucus just endorse Donald Trump? Am I pregnant? WHAT IN THE HELL JUST HAPPENED HERE?! I’ll tell you what happened, Chad went all Rick Ankiel on Lauck and I am just flat-out impressed. I doubt it will ever happen again that anyone throws out Lauck but seeing it once was kind of magical, like that time I saw Haley’s Comet, or the day Breeze did a juice cleanse.

Anyway, with Spike Hill up 7-1 in the 8th, the Runaways showed their mettle, scoring 3 runs, to climb within 3. It was not to be, however, as the Hillians tacked on 3 of their own in the top of the 9th and closed out a well-played game on both sides. Spike Hill’s offensive effort was led by Phil “Deep Middle” Michael (4-4) and “Lil’ Mo” Pete Fisher (3-4 with great play in a tough, sunny right field). The pitching duties were shared by Spike Hill’s stalwart starter, Kevin “Wouldn’t It Be Kind of Funny But Not Really If His Middle Name Started With a ‘K’?” Kane and new pitching sensation/teen idol, Mike “I Don’t Like The Nickname You Gave Me Last Week” McNelis, who combined to hold the talented Runaways to just 4 runs.

This is the part where I would write something about Pete’s, maybe some kind of insane rant about how they got their jerseys at the Goldstein Bar Mitzvah but as a reporter, you know the genuine article when you see it and this recap provided by Pete’s was just too good to mess with or change in any way, and I quote: “Dom had a RBI and a nice hit, so did Maggie–and Ed, I think?” It’s like literary ambrosia for your eyeholes. You’re welcome, WSL.

(Spike Hill 10 / Runaways 4)

 

Field #2: Clemerica @ St. Anselm (Nat the Bat)

This game had the makings to be one of the best match ups of the day. The 5pm time slot was definitely not in favor of the beer guzzling Battleship, and there was some speculation that this game would get just a tad sloppy. I’d like to set the record straight, yes, it was Craig’s 21st (plus 50) birthday party the night before. Yes, there was BBQ. And yes, there was bingo, backgammon AND canasta. The party guests had gathered by the fire pit telling stories of their vivacious youth until the clock struck 9 and the shuttle bus to the East Williamsburg Retirement Village departed. Then shit got real crazy. Real quick. Bottles of tequila and Jameson were in abundance, and the night hit an all time low (or high depending on who you ask) when a dance off to George Michael’s Freedom ensued. I think some of the elderly missed the shuttle (this really pretty gal named DeSEANdra for one). Nevertheless, that didn’t stop the battleship from showing up and securing their 2nd victory on the season. Do I have to remind you we are professionals at this whole functioning alcoholics thing?

Anywho, there’s not much to report on this game, since it was mostly a blur (thanks R Bar for the nestarita and cervezas… Your plan didn’t entirely work) … And mostly because this write up is seriously cutting into my mojito time at the beach. So I’ll keep it short and sweet (as if I even know how to do that!).

Here’s the rundown:

The Clemerican offense started off strong by putting up 9 runs in the first 3 innings. Lead off hitter Rob “R Kelly” went 2-4 with 2 runs scored, with Craig! in the #2 spot going 3-4 and 2 runs scored. The big offensive force came from DBA in the 5 spot, going 3-4 with a HR and 3 RBIs. After the 3rd inning the St. Anselm defense held the Battleship to only one run.

Newbie pitcher, Lance Armstrong took the mound for Clem’s and was pitching a no hitter until the bottom of the 5th when he let up 3 runs, the only 3 runs the Saints would plate the entire game.  Irregardless, quite an impressive performance on the mound by the rookie.

Game ball OBVIOUSLY going to the birthday boy Craig!  (Ask him about his non-dad bod… Tennis has been good to him, just sayin) Craigers’ offense was on point as well as his defense as he made an amazing catch way out in foul territory to hit his cut off at 2b to Shelly “Wild Thing” Madick who in turn threw a missile right on the money to home, sending a very stiff warning to St. Anselm folk: Don’t mess with the lady Clemericans.

Dear WSL, you have been put on notice. The mighty Clemerican defense is no joke. The battleship has held their opponents to some of the fewest runs in the league. With some of our bigger bats in the lineup next week, let’s hope the battleship can break past a 10 run offense and keep the #winning streak alive. If anything… We should just keep winning for the post game tequila shots.

Don’t put aside the Saints just yet, I’d like to think of this team as silent but deadly, I wouldn’t be surprised if they start terrorizing opponents in the upcoming weeks, they’ve got some sneaky good talent! Derek “Never Have I” Evers (greatest nickname evers Dubin), Pete Hoffman (I challenge you to a drink off next time we play), and Palma Blank (rumor has it she wears metal spikes…and she’s NOT afraid to use them).

Next week Clem’s takes on the Gutter 86ers (who are also 2-1) while St. Anselm faces Roebling (who are definitely looking to get their first win on the board).

Ok. Enough is enough. Back to my mojito and cabana boy.

(Clems 10 / St. Elmo’s Fire 3)

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