Standings

Joe Godsy Division
NORTH W L PCT RF RA
Spike Hill 6 4 .600 122 113
Roebling Sports Club 5 4 .556 86 78
Turkey's Nest 5 4 .556 91 92
AT All-Stars 2 7 .222 67 93
 
SOUTH W L PCT RF RA
Gibson 8 1 .889 118 77
St. Anselm 5 4 .556 82 68
R Bar 4 6 .400 104 152
A Bar Runaways 1 7 .125 44 67
 
Joe Fashion Division
NORTH W L PCT RF RA
The Bedford Yetis 6 4 .600 103 108
Clems 5 4 .556 96 93
Loggers 4 6 .400 89 97
The Gutter 86ers 4 6 .400 121 129
 
SOUTH W L PCT RF RA
3 Kings 8 1 .889 169 60
Kilo Bravo 6 3 .667 102 92
Parkview Scorpions 6 4 .600 118 93
Turkey's Teachers 0 10 .000 78 178

Schedule

Week 11 - Jun 24
11:00 Gibson @ 3 Kings 1
Loggers @ Turkey's Nest 2
1:00 R Bar @ Kilo Bravo 1
AT All-Stars @ The Bedford Yetis 2
3:00 Clems @ A Bar Runaways 1
St. Anselm @ Parkview Scorpions 2
5:00 Roebling Sports Club @ The Gutter 86ers 1

Last Week's Results

Week 10 - Jun 17
The Gutter 86ers14 @ Turkey's Nest 15
Clems9 @ AT All-Stars 2
Loggers13 @ Roebling Sports Club 6
Kilo Bravo4 @ Gibson 9
Parkview Scorpions29 @ R Bar 11
3 Kings0 @ A Bar Runaways 0
The Bedford Yetis16 @ Spike Hill 10
Turkey's Teachers5 @ St. Anselm 11

Playoffs Round 1 – RECAP

Wed, Sep 16, 2015

Our Sweet 16 has been cut down to 8. Snoozefests and surprise wins alike made this Sunday its usual awesome.

11AM

Field #1: AT United @ Clemerica (Shortz)

While no crater holes were left on the field, the only thing to go up in flames were apparently their score books, since neither made it to our inbox (ZING!) 

What I did correctly predict was that ATU would be a tad more focused sans drunk tent.

Without booze and shelter, the newly minted “Fun Bobbys” and the team who have an actual fun Bobby (not the “Friends” kind) embarked on a super tame game to start, with way less than 30 pieces of flare.

The majority of the game featured a low, snoozy score; these teams may have had that big D, but they definitely didn’t have that big O (unless O means ouch, felt by Kelly when he got drilled by a ball from the opposite field). With Clem’s up 4-2 in the 7th and bases loaded, Shelly knocked in 2 ATUies to tie the game 4-4 going into the bottom of the 9th.

Finally these teams were cooking with gas, and the game was starting to shape up to be as exciting as their team reputations.

First Breezy got on and the Clem’s bench went WILD. GBlack then made the risky call to intentionally walk HR machine Bobert (who had already been intentionally walked because he was hitting the shit out of the ball). With the winning run now on 2nd, their clean-up batter Markow was up to bat. Quick pause- I never thought I’d hear any team intentionally walking someone to get to our 2013 HR champ.

Markow hit a laser down the 3B line…but 2015 WSL Filthy Glove recipient Frank scooped it up, stepped on 3B and fired it over to Shelly for a double play. Markow and the Clem’s organization were now forced into extra innings.

Top of the 10th brings the top of the Fun Bobbys lineup. Wishing it were still Saturday, Lauck, Frank, and Petemo, fired solid line drives to LF to go up 6-4. Clem’s threatened ATUs lead with a Stryker solo shot. Then Nat ‘Dat Ass’ got on and it was up to the Condom Man to show his old team what they’ve been missing. On any other day his hit would’ve kept the game going but The Talented Mr. Laucky swooped in to make the play and end a great season for the Battleship.

(AT United 6 /Clemerica 5)

Field #2: Impose @ Crown Vic 86ers () 

Supposedly, this was a pretty good game. I wasn’t able to watch the game and I don’t have much to go by. Playoffs are exciting, so I hope you can read between the lines and find the thrill in here somewhere!

Here’s what I can tell you…the beginning of this game was teeming with controversy and poor communication skills are the theme here, pre- and post-game. The details were cloudy at best, but led to a fire and brimstone march over to the blacktop to hunt down the Commish and possibly burn him at the stake. After a lot of loud noises, everyone chilled and the game commenced.

Since I WAS playing on the blacktop, one could deduce that I WAS NOT watching Impose vs Crown Vic play across the street. From the scorebook, I can see that Pete hit a HR in the 1st inning to put Impose up by 5. After that, despite the offensive efforts from Jay was 3-4 with a RBI and 2 runs and Ryan went 3-4 and was a homer away from the cycle, they were outscored 13-6 the rest of the way and ended their 2015 WSL campaign in catastrophic fashion. Not exactly sure how the 86ers did it, but they were definitely helped by the absence of Imposers Pat and Godsy (though Christian Van Hagar played great D at 1st turning a sweet 3-3 double play).

I WAS actually able to catch the last, waning moments and the 86ers victory celebration, where Al BizzyButtahBananas exclaimed, “I AM SO FUCKING PUMPED RIGHT NOW!” Hopefully Mayor Al Bummer can carry that over to next week, when the 86ers face off against the Cinderella crew from TNT. Haz & Co are coming off the biggest win in franchise history and are now playing with house money. Do they have enough to “shock the world” one more time?

(Impose 11 / Crown Vic 86ers 13)

1PM

Field #1: Turkey’s Teachers @ 3 Kings (Homer Wadsworth)

Well. It happened. A #1 seed lost to an #8 seed for the first time in the history of the WSL!!! Or something.

No one really thought it was possible since the Kings have brought the wreck week in week out this whole summer, but the guns fell silent this Sunday when the Teachers used that really weird back-to-school chlorine smell to get 3Ks all zoned out and distracted. That, and the Jets season opener was Sunday. As Haz said in his recap, “I’ve never been prouder for my squad’s best played game all season. I knew they had it in them and the Kings are a tough team. We caught lightning in a styrofoam cup.”

David ‘Dingman’ Martin said it best when quoted ‘This was the greatest performance of my life next to that time we lost to the 86ers 2-1…I pitched pretty good then too.” The Dinger held the Kings to 5 ‘unearned’ runs and 7 or 8 earned, which I’m assuming doesn’t take into errors or hops or a plastic soccer ball finding its way onto the field during an outbreak of other unnecessary sports being played on the sidelines!!! Jesus! We’re trying to play some fucking softball here, folks!

Either way…..School was in session and TNT found the right time to click as co-season team MVPs, Andres “dre” Rodriguez and Ron “espo” Esposito, were huge with a combined 4-6 day including 4 walks, a sac fly, 2 Homers, 5 runs scored, and 3 RBIs. Ron hit 2 dingers while Shortstop Lloyd Kim was making plays all day. Late in the game he made a diving snag in the hole that decided to make a McCarren hiphop 2 feet over his horizontal self. ‘Levitating’ Lloyd also added a 2R Homer to go with his 3 for 4 day. A solid day from the meat of their lineup.

But the real story here was Dave Martin. You really have to admit that Dave’s love for this league is a familiar feeling and the roar of the McCarren crowd during a major upset was music to his ‘Soda’s Pioneer’ loving ears. He not only struck out a guy, but he went 2 for 3 and caught the final pop up of the game, and almost did it one handed! As the ball landed softly in his mitt, the fields erupted in applause for the amazing upset this season! The Teachers came off to a rollicking sideline of WSL fans and players who knew they just witnessed something special. (Note: all teams who sat under the trees on Field 1, 1st base side lost on Sunday. All teams with drunken crowds behind their bench won. Alls-I’m-sayin’.)

As I headed to the Nest to sneak a leak after the game finished, I noticed Haz entered the bar right before I did. The place went nuts for the guy as he held both arms in the air like a old timey winner! Sort of like Czr every weekend at the Gibson! I didn’t recognize any of these people from the fields… they were just straight up Turkey’s Nest old-timers and Haz\Teacher\Blacktop fans! It was like another world of people who appreciate a good guy and a great league and it was glorious. I got chills.

The Kings were missing some of their heavy bats and couldn’t put together the really big inning they needed to put the pesky Teachers away. For a second it looked like the Teachers might hand it over to 3Kings late with a few errors and miscues, but time ran out as the Bandana’d Bandit ended the championship charge of the league juggernaut and entered the WSL history books forever. From Tuesday night lights, to Sunday afternoon glory.

PS – 3 Kings: You guys had a great season and will be back for more. You brought the hutzpa this season and the league was put on notice.

(Turkey’s Teachers 14 / 3 Kings 12)

Field #2: Gibson @ Turkey’s Nest () 

The first round of the 2015 WSL Playoffs did not disappoint. A few come-from-behind victories, a shocking upset and an extra-inning nail-biter! McCarren Park was rife with drama all day long. Hell, 5 of the 8 games were decided by 2 runs or less…however, this was not one of them.

The 2014 WSL champs from the Turkey’s Nest opened their title defense against The Gibson on Sunday. The Gibs ended the regular season in epic fashion, losing their last 13 games in a row. Capt. A-Dos (and his perfectly waxed chest) was certainly going to have his squad amped up for a chance to exorcize their demons and play the spoiler role. On the flip side, Coach Jordisco had his Turks fired up just enough to keep the game fun and still put a W on the board.

For the Nest, it was all about spacing out the offense with timely hits and production from the entire lineup. Coupled with their stifling defense, it was not long before the game was out of reach for the GIbbys. Karl France launched a 3-run missile in the middle innings, when the Turks would steadily pull away. JL & Shafer each had multi-hit days and I believe DB would homer in support of his brilliant pitching performance on the mound. Adrian would drive in 2 of his Gibson squad’s 3 runs and Alan Artale would pitch a fine, walk-free game.

Up next for the champs are the Pinks, who ended their regular season with a couple of crushing defeats. They seemingly turned the corner in the 1st round of the playoffs, with a hard-fought victory agains the Loggers. They also beat the Nest way back in Week 4 of the WSL season, in an atypically, low-scoring affair. This should be a great game between 2 fierce competitors!

(Gibson 3 /Turkey’s Nest 13)

 

3PM

Field #1: The Runaways @ R Bar (Homer Wadsworth)

As everyone repeatedly checked their Weather Channel apps all week, hoping their team’s game wouldn’t be affected by nature, just someone else’s, the skies decided to open up a bit and make for some sloppy wet hardcore softball. The Runaways and R Bar faced off at 1pm and about mid-way through the game, lil’ baby Jesus decided it would be nice if the fields got a little less hard and stampy and more squishy with a case of the dirts (not Runs).

The RBarians got out front early with 7 runs in the first with RBIs by the likes of John ARggBar, and noted power couple Katie and Richie. The second innings featured some different player names but the same results and a 13-5 lead. With Sir Bubbs A-Lot on the hill throwin’ peas, hitting a HR and a few other well placed hits, the R Bar was rolling and feeling themselves in the postseason rain. Quiet hero ‘Silent’ Sam had his usual 3 hits and played amazing defense wherever he might’ve been position. You thought JohnR was Richie’s secret weapon? Try Sam. Richie puts John out there to distract you and get’s 3 HRs a game with OF coverage as a glorious byproduct. Stop with your mind games R BAR!

Not to be outdone, Chad “America’s Next BlackTop Catcher” White hit 2 dingers and made some diving catches in the outfield which is always someone else’s infield. I didn’t hear anything about sandwiches but I still have to believe Chad brought some kind of sustenance for him and his team to feed off due to the power surge. If the WSL had a yearbook Chad would clean up in all the superlatives, with Most Generous being the one he’s proud of but also sheepishly embarrassed about.

Sam “Tequila” Rio took the heat for the loss and thinks the game was closer than it was. He’s right if he’s referring to how many home runs they had because THEY OUT-HOMERED RBAR. That’s right. The Teachers beat the Kings and the Runaways out slugged the Bums. What a Sunday!!!! As Sam put it so graciously: “The Runaways took too long to settle down against a great opponent that came out the gates swinging.” (said like a gangsta’) Class act, this guy! Sam and the Runaways had a lot of adversity this year and by the end, I think they looked around and said….you know what? We’re alright.

The R Bar go on to face the ATU in the second round as Gerald “The Gambler” Marquez and his cast of seriously interesting and colorful characters hope to provide the next upset and make Vinny wish he wasn’t where that awesome photo of trees and beach and boardwalk…nevermind. The Bums crushed ATU 20-6 earlier in the season, but this underdog team is a lot better than those peeps you saw back in April. I don’t know what the spread is but I’m sure I don’t care. Good luck to both of you softball teams and may your umpire squeeze you the right way and have no bad calls. TIP YOUR UMPIRES!

(The Runaways 5 / R Bar 18)

Field #2: Berry Park @ The Bedford (Alexander P. Dubin Esq.)

Let’s do some gross stuff, Dubin.

What a game. On what can best be summed up as “upset day,” Berry Park looked to jump on the underdog W train against the Bedford. Let’s get right to the action.

With 1 down in the first inning, Berry Park left fielder and Hawaiian BJ greeter, Joey “Mahalo” Caraballo, hit a hard line drive the opposite way, forcing Brunchers right fielder, Mike “The Slovakian Glue-Sniffer” O’Malley to retreat to get to the spot to make the catch. Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, Dame Judy Dench, wearing nothing but a gold string bikini and covered head-to-toe in canola oil, comes charging toward Mike from under a tree, furiously shouting in rapid Portuguese that Korean midgets had stolen her DVD copy of, Bio-Dome and all of her silly putty. Dench, who ran an impressive 4.63 40 at the Crazy, Oily, Old, Naked, Portuguese-Shouting Draft Combine in June, was definitely a threat; not just to Mike but also to myself; I was manning right center field at the time and did not notice the charging actress, as I was too busy praying to imaginary Jewish God not to smite me during the game for playing softball on this holiest of made up religious holidays.

Sensing that his teammate and strip-charades partner was in jeopardy, O’Malley, not unlike the mother cheetah protecting her young from Dame Judy Dench in the wild, sprung to action, both literally and figuratively (read: Mike had Dench-wood), sprinting forward and drop-kicking the Oscar winner directly in her penis, stopping her dead in her tracks. Don’t worry, readers; although DJD was shaken by Mike’s kick, she was not stirred. Anyway, the real point here, other than Mike’s Dench-wood, is that in the midst of saving my freaking life, Mike was forced to take his eye off Joey’s ball for just a moment, which resulted in the ball glancing off the top of Mike’s glove and an unfortunate 4 base error or, if you are a Berry Park supporter, a MASSIVE SOLO BOMB that ricocheted off Kilo Bravo’s front door on a fly!! Either way, shit happens.

Mike was none the worse for wear, however, he would bounce back, as all great players and super-balls do and go on to be the Brunchers’ most valuable player, going 4-4 in the leadoff spot and making two other sparkling running plays in right.

Also of note on defense, Berry Park infielder and Pet Detective, Dave “I Once Wet Myself While Watching Sophie’s Choice” Secia had one of the best days at shortstop seen by this reporter all season; and this reporter spends a lot of time starring at shortstops. That twisted fuck made no fewer than four spectacular plays, keeping his team in it until the very end. That right there is a vastly underrated ballplayer … AND ONE HELL OF A MODEL AMERICAN! Perhaps not the best choice for a DVD night companion but as my father always says, “If I catch you blowing one more truck driver, you’re out of the will, you little shitbag!” Thanks Dad. Much love.

Other than a bases loaded double-play ball hit by Nick “No, I Do Not Think It Would Be ‘So Adorable’ For My Kids To Wear Mike Piazza Jerseys” Pizza in the 4th, scoring a run for the Parkers and an apparent stroke suffered by Matt “I Smell Pancakes” Silverman in the 6th, causing him to spike the ball into the ground, during which time Toolan “I’m Afraid of Google, So I Won’t Let You Print My Actual Name On The Interwebs” O’Toole selfishly took the opportunity to score, Kevin “Dicknuts” Kane masterfully held the Yetis in check the rest of the way.

Outside of O’Malley’s perfect day at the plate, for the Bedford, four offensive accomplishments stood out: 1) Steve “Paranoid Squirrel” Mina went 3-3 with a triple, 2) Anthony “Moist Towelette” Molica’s 2 out single in the 5th, 3) Doug “Evolution Is A Liberal Conspiracy” Hogan’s 2-out, 3-run, game winning double in the 7th and 4) APDe’s dinky little McCarren Park Special, solo “shot” in the 8th.

Great defense on both sides and a hard fought victory for the 3 seed Bedford, who will next face perennial arch rival, and team that totally doesn’t all have syphilis, Black Betty, in the Conference Semis.

…Black Betty has syphilis.

(Berry Park 3 / The Bedford 5)

 

5PM

Roebling Sports Club @ Black Betty (Shortz)

Were you really surprised?

After “THE ROYAL UPSET OF A FEW HOURS EARLIER”, the air was charged with the notion that anything is possible. Other teams were sauntering over offering fistfuls of cash to knock off the Playoff darlings in the first round for the first time in 4,000 years. Was another upset in the books?

NOPE!

But I’ll get to that.

Now we Remys have had a nasty habit of rolling over and dying versus the Betty, especially come playoff time and double especially against Cy Not-So-Young pitcher, JB$. 

But the Remys had finally broken the $ man’s spell and managed to plate 7 by the 5th inning, with hearty hitting from Justin (4-5 with a HR), Shawn IP (4-5), Jake (3-4 with a sac), plus Sandor and my beautiful husband, Andrieux (who both were 3-4).

The pitching change occurred as we were still high-fiving Halling on his HR hit in the presence of his mom. JB$ muttered to no one in particular…or someone in particular and I’m too lazy to remember, “This game scares me”.

After both sides plated a few more runs, the Remys were holding onto a 2-run lead going into the 7th. But the next 2 ABs saw the Betties scored 8 runs (THEN WE CAME BACK WITH 6, MOFOS) followed by 5 more runs.

For plot purposes, let me quickly slip in that H and Kev were perfect on the day save a pair of FCs, but the real story is Chelsey who was 3-3 with a walk (on purpose because she was killing us) and 4 runs scored. She even got the game ball and DIDN’T have to share it with a man. That’s progress, H! Some notes: Maybe move her ass up in the lineup (just a suggestion from a BIG fan).

Trailing by 5, we started coming back again! 1 run, 2 runs- The excitement was coursing through the veins of the crowd. 3 runs, 4 runs- The aforementioned bribers were inching closer to our bench. And then the foul rule bitch slapped us across our collective face, and it was all over.

Out but not down, we Remys made our way to Roebling Sporting Club while the Betties remained on the mound for their celebratory ‘circle jerk’. We feasted on wings and tots while the rest of the patrons roared loudly to the raw athleticism…of the US Open finals. And with one final Remy Martin toast (the bottle’s iconic!), I said my thanks and farewell to a fantastic group of Reelers/Ducks/Reelers/Remys with whom I had spent the past 8 summers boozing, losing and bruising (my rhyme-y word for ‘winning’…also we get hurt a lot).

I’ll be sure to visit next season when Justin brings 5 more “Justins” to the team. Then ‘bruising’ will have a whole new meaning 🙂

(Roebling Sports Club 18 / Black Betty 19)

Field #2: Loggers @ Enids (Alexander P. Dubin Esq.)

The Pinks vs. The Plaids. Classic.

The Loggers came ready to play this past Sunday, putting up an immediate 5-spot in the top of the 1st. After taking Czr out back and shooting him in the head with a crossbow, Dom replaced Czr with Pat “There Is Nothing Funny About Lupus” Sullivan. Unfazed, Sully took the bump and held the Czr-Beaters to a mere 3 runs the rest of the way, including an impressive 5 inning scoreless stretch, tying him for the 3rd longest such streak by a WSL pitcher with a felony conviction since 1975. Congratulations Pat!

Although Pat’s masterful performance on the mound was the focal point, the Loggers offensive efforts must not be overlooked. The Wood Whackers’ offense came to play, headed by Snoop “Do You Really Need To Give Me A Fucking Nickname When Everyone Already Calls Me ‘Snoop’?” Conley (4-5) and his sidekick and life partner, Jake “Lost At” C (2-run BIRTHDAY DINGER). Not to be outdone by the young guns, veteran masher and avid Malibu Stacy collector/enthusiast, Jeff “Waylan” X went 3-4 with 2 RBI and caught an 11 pound sturgeon. Tasty.

But the story on this day would be that of the Pinks. Despite having to play without Drew “The Ambidextrous Molester” Toresco (wedding) and Tommy “The Farting Monk” Talty (midget porn), Enid’s persevered, led by 3-4 days from Wally “The Cumulonimbus Cloud Rapist” Pluff and Dom “DEFCON: Vajajay” Howlett, as well as a typical bad-ass 2-3 day from Jen “I’m Actually Only 9.95 But I Round Up To” 10 and a strong 2-4 day from Sam “Please Stop Beating Me, Ike” Turner, whose hits were both for extra bases and both sponsored by Ray Rice and the Cobra Kai Dojo.

The Trojan All-In Moment for the game came in the bottom of the 3rd when, with the Pinks trailing 7-4, Allen “Donkey Punch” Boseman came up with the bases juiced and unloaded a HUGE grand slam to give his squad an 8-7 lead and possibly a cigarette to share. Allen would add a 2 RBI-double, putting his RBI total at 6 for the day. Not bad.

A hard fought game on both sides yielded the end for the Loggers and a trip to Round 2 for the Pinks, where the defending champs await. Macaroni and cheese spirals taste better than regular mac and cheese. Why is that?

(Loggers 9 / Enids 14)

 

WSL Player of the Week is…

SPEEECH:

Jill’s Ankle: I am completely honored to be the first non-softball playing appendage to ever win POTW. A true privilege that I have worked extremely hard for. Special shoutout to everyone who helped check me out and ice me after injury!

1. Not to sound rude, but you look a bit busted up. Wha Happen?

Jill’s Ankle: Sometimes my owner gets way too excited cheering for Black Betty to win. She also gets really excited to drink bud heavies with the Clem’s crew. We decided jumping up and down near a giant hole was the best way to cheer them on and I jumped my way backwards into the giant ditch where the sand is kept for the fields. I popped out, I popped back in and here we are!

2. When you’re not bandaged up, What do you like to do?

Jill’s Ankle: I love peddling my owner around on a bike (currently on hold) and bringing her around to bars (not on hold)

3. You are attached to Jill, 1/3 of the Rock Paper Scissors posse. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen hanging with this crew?

Jill’s Ankle: Oh boy I’ve definitely seen some shit. All I know is when you mix a lot of tequila, rum, and Breezy BBQ then shove them on a school bus going 80 mph down the BQE, it always leads to some dicey situations.

4. If you could put one member of NY Mets on Black Betty, who would it be and why?

Jill’s Ankle: I would absolutely take Bartolo Colon and just make him DH so they can all take notes on his perfect batting stance and subsequent helmet removal. Second choice would be deGrom so I can give him a sick crown braid.

5. What’s the first thing you’re going to do once you’re healed?

Jill’s Ankle: Fill that stupid ditch up.

 

 

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