Championship Sunday is here, a day that apparently only 4 of our teams have been properly working towards all season. Who will walk away winners and who will walk to The Bedford to drown their sorrows?
Time will tell, citizens. Time will tell.
Field #1: Crown Vic 86ers @ Black Betty (Homer Wadsworth)
It’s been a long season for both semi-final contestants in the Joe Godsy South division this season. These two teams have been dancing each other all season with the Betty winning both contests by some slim margins and the games coming down to some last inning defense both teams are known for. You were gonna say ‘age’ but I wasn’t gonna say that!!! The Black have been to the Prom a few times before, or something, and the Vic are first timers at the (almost) big dance. But make no mistake, this has a 50% of being the Game of the Week. Mark my words, Gooch.
Last week the 86ers pummelled the league’s Cinderella into the ground. They took that pumpkin carriage and just smashed that shit to the ground and kicked it to the curb as Haz and Co. lamented inside, “What? Where’s the team we only lost 2-1 to?” That was a long time ago, my main man, and this Vic team is seasoned and ready for some fightin’. The Mayor is out in Sweden right now bro hugging Euros and the steering of the Vic will be handed to MalVP and DO3, a formidable brain combo that knows how to build a lineup and inspire. The dude bought hats for the team with her name on it after all the midseason adversity!!! I mean, c’mon?!?!. That must’ve been a very cool scene and wish I was a fly on the wall to witness. This is what it sounds like when flies cry.
The Betty’s beat the Bedford by 1 run last week and narrowly escaped a surging comeback from the Brunchers in the late innings, and now head into their 10th straight semis. They know they’re up against an old school pitcher with wily command and a lineup that sports the likes of Filthy Jeff, QSMASH, and the ‘Westchester Boys’. This sounds like some sort of Archie comic gang! “Stay outta Riverdale!!!”
The winner of the Godsy division is down to teams in the South Division which makes sense considering there was practically a weird threesome tie for 1st place for most of the season including the kinky-spoogy Impose squad. Awkward! Winner gets to play RBAR\Enids victor which is like getting asked to the Senior Prom by either a scary football player with bacne or the nerdy drama guy who only ever gets chorus roles. No one is really looking forward to it, but it must be done!
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Field #2: Enids @ R Bar (Alexander P. Dubin, Esq.)
Will he play? That’s the question on everyone’s lips as R Bar and Enid’s prepare to face off for the right to represent the Godsy Conference in the WSL Finals. He, of course, is a reference to R Bar slugger and 2009 Inappropriate Boner in Gym Shorts State Tournament Champion, Bobby “Bonershorts” Knapp. In what can only be termed an heroic effort last week, B-Shorts tore every muscle in his hamstring saving an orphanage from a group of burning children. Wait … no … yea, that’s right. Knappsack then went on to star in R Bar’s 10 run victory over the upstart ATU All Stars, hitting the ball a very long way several times, I’m told. In his final at bat, Knappy-Hair took a mighty cut and crumbled to the ground, shouting obscenities in Pig Latin: “Uckfe Yme Amstringhay!” Seeing that his comrade in burley arms was in distress, R Bar pitcher and D-Lo’s personal chef, Stephen “Samurai Streisand” Connors, battling an ankle injury of his own, cripple-sprinted to Knappowitz’s side, weeping like a young widow at her husband’s grave and yelling, “WHY JEBUS?! WHY?! TAKE ME?! TAKE ME, YOU WOOD-WORKING SON OF A BITCH!” The Knapper was rushed to McCarren Methodist Hospital (The Nest), where he was pronounced SOA (Sexy On Arrival) and treated with a combination of cutting edge medicine, including a frozen margarita in a styrofoam cup and a warm oil massage from Mitchell “I Give Warm Oil Massages To Dudes” Jones. Ba-Ba Knapp-Sheep was released from the Nest 4 hours later. But the question remains: will the former league home run champ play on Super Sunday? Only time will tell but if I were a betting man, or any kind of man at all, my money would be on QSMASH getting QLAID after the league party on Sunday.
Also, Enid’s will be there. They have Drew and Dom and Wally and Stacy and J10 and their shirts are pink and they hate-snuggled the bejesus out of the defending champs last week to make it to their first Semifinal that’s not against Black Betty. The storyline isn’t as interesting but that’s only because every time I try to write something about The Pinks, my mind gets lost in Wally’s eyes. Stupid, sexy Flanders.
LET’S GET IT ON!!
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Field #2: North All-Stars @ South All-Stars (Shortz)
In the past, we’ve seen some creative AllStar games- North vs. South. Jews vs. Goys. Boys vs. WOMEN. But this All Star game will put the rest to SHAME!!! The match up of boys vs. WOMEN while ADOS spins some sweet tunes isn’t a new concept, but the twist certainly is. Boys lob pitches to the womenfolk, and womenfolk windmill the fuck out of the ball to the boys to accumulate what I predict to be many, many, many, many, many, many strikeouts. Oh and it will be only 4 innings because Holland doesn’t want Black Betty to be too rested before the final. I’d say that’s a jinx, but God is clearly a Black Betty fan.
Now, some maintain that there’s nothing special about this game and all information was covered in Holland’s announcement yesterday. You know, the one in which you all CRUCIFIED him while I watched (and laughed) from the cheap seats- BTW, Congrats Stacy ‘Pluff’ on your name change!
But I disrespectfully disagree- This ain’t the NFL ProBowl, it’s the GODDAMN WSL ALL STAR GAME!
First, you’ve got two hot ass ladies running the show, D-Lo and Mal.V.P., which is a win in itself. And my sources tell me that many of the boys are only playing so they can ‘crush’ the lady’s fast pitch. But does anyone else see this playing out like men signing up for the submissive at an S&M club that gets raided and they’re left in chains and ball-gags while the cops take group selfies and post on social media. Maso-to-the-chistic, y’all.
To make things more interesting than this game already is, something really should be on the line. Although I’m not on the coveted rules committee nor will I be a part of this league in 3 days time, I declare: If the womenfolk win, the WSL has to change the girl minimum to THREE! That’s right, make steps towards having this league be actually co-ed. Much love to the ladies of 2006, but our present-day chicks have Bachelor degrees in this damn sport and it’s about time to make them more than a mere afterthought in the rosters. Though to be fair, these guys can barely handle two of these ladies at once, let alone three.
Other victory spoils will include making the boys wear vinyl bikinis and donning henna tattoos saying ‘VAG’ on Opening Day 2016. And if the boys win, the ladies have to slap them across the face…probably derived from the same masochism that makes them want to fail at hitting lady windmills.
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North Champion @ South Champions (Shortz)
It’s been two (ADJECTIVE) roads for (TEAM) and (TEAM), but their best was good enough on Sunday morning and they’ve made it to the final (NOUN).
For (TEAM), dealing with (PLURAL NOUN) AND (PROPER NOUN) all season could’ve really made them (ADJECTIVE). But Coach (NOUN), as he goes by around the (NOUN), really inspired his (PLURAL NOUN) to “(VERB) that (NOUN); go out on that (NOUN) and have a (ADJECTIVE) Championship (NOUN)”.
As for (TEAM), it was really (ADJECTIVE) when their season started off on a (ADJECTIVE) note. But they (VERB-PAST TENSE) together with (NOUN) building activities such as (PLURAL NOUN) and (PLURAL NOUN), and it could be what enables them to (VERB) the (NOUN).
Personally, my (NOUN) is on (TEAM), because they’ve been (AVERB) (ADJECTIVE) all season, and always act like true (PLURAL NOUN).
Best of luck to both (PLURAL NOUNS)!
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