Standings

Joe Godsy Division
NORTH W L PCT RF RA
Spike Hill 13 6 .684 243 194
Roebling Sports Club 11 8 .579 220 177
Turkey's Nest 9 9 .500 178 199
AT All-Stars 4 14 .222 138 203
 
SOUTH W L PCT RF RA
Gibson 15 4 .789 238 169
St. Anselm 13 6 .684 214 151
R Bar 7 11 .389 175 244
A Bar Runaways 4 14 .222 120 178
 
Joe Fashion Division
NORTH W L PCT RF RA
Clems 13 6 .684 223 171
The Bedford Yetis 10 8 .556 205 207
Loggers 7 11 .389 158 166
The Gutter 86ers 8 11 .421 201 216
 
SOUTH W L PCT RF RA
Kilo Bravo 13 5 .722 233 165
Parkview Scorpions 11 8 .579 215 174
Turkey's Teachers 0 18 .000 132 312
- 1 1 .500 10 17

Schedule

Championship Sunday - Sep 23
11:00 Parkview Scorpions @ Clems 1
Roebling Sports Club @ Spike Hill 2
2:00 North Champion @ South Champion 2

Last Week's Results

Championship Sunday - Sep 23
Parkview Scorpions0 @ Clems 0
Roebling Sports Club0 @ Spike Hill 0
North Champion0 @ South Champion 0

Week 20 – PREVIEW

Fri, Aug 21, 2015

Take a page out of the Czr, Shirtless, and A-DOS playbook, and lose the uniforms this Sunday, because it’s National Topless Day (not kidding).

11AM

The Runaways @ Loggers (Shortz)

Rumors were flying last Sunday that The Runs canceled their game at 2am even though they had enough players. As much as we all love The Runs, this is the most exciting performance they’ve had all season. Will this Sunday be a 2-peat of excitement against an equally deflated Loggers squad?

Speaking of The Loggers…I’m getting real close to showing up to your game with Benny Hill music cued up to play in between innings, just like I do when I watch the Jets Buttfumble. I’m more certain than ever that y’all are getting paid off, except maybe not by Goochi but by Fashion South leaders, Turkey’s Nest, so their record looks better than their actual performance. GET IT TOGETHER, LOGGERS!

Now I realize I’m being hard on you both. But that’s because you’re both capable of being better. Are you at least succeeding in letting loose with all the beers after the games? If yes, then it’s not a total waste. This so-called ‘softball’ we play is merely a 2-hour formality to drink our faces off, so keep that ideal close to your hearts and mouth holes.

AT United @ Turkey’s Nest () 

We mean you, ATU.

The Fashion South division was decided weeks ago. There are some minor playoff seeding implications left to be worked out for AT United, but only to decide who is home or away in the 4 vs 5 matchup against Clemerica. The Nest has the 2 seed and a likely date with the Gibbys or Runaways. Yet…we’re still going to lace them up on Sunday for love of the game (and playoff eligibility).

After a couple of disappointing losses to The Runaways and Berry Park, AT United got off the schneid last weekend against The Loggers. They earned a very much-needed win, since they still have 2 division leaders left on the 2015 docket. This week it’s the defending WSL champs from the Turkey’s Nest and next week they get the red-hot 86ers. Vinny’s kids are still holding onto hopes of a .500 record on the year. At 7-9 thus far and a brutal schedule remaining, the WSL Magic 8-Ball says, “OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD.” Does it ever say anything else?

The Turks are on hiatus from a 3 game winning streak, which began with a convincing win against The Bedford and left off with a not-so-convincing win against The Loggers. Since The Runaways literally ran away from the Nest last week, Coach Jordisco will look to pick it up where they left off 2 weeks back. The Gobbler’s offense has been putting up some impressive numbers of late, scoring 48 runs over their current 3-game unbeaten stretch. That lineup is a real force to be reckoned with, so I expect more than a few runs to be scored on Sunday morning!

 

1PM

Field #1: Gibson @ Clemerica (Alexander P. Dubin Esq.)

Clem’s/Gibbys. Just the names bring about so many vivid thoughts and feelings for this reporter. Memories of Hot Dog/Hamburger specials and bud lights for all, back when The Gibson still liked the WSL. For the Battleship, I think of Bud Heavies, beautiful pork loin and naughty naughty language. While the Gibson has played better this season than in any year since the invention of dirt, it comes as no great surprise that the rebuilding Gibbers still sit at the south end of the Fashion North Division. The Clemericans, however, are a much more enigmatic story. Seen as a virtual powerhouse going into the season, the Battleship has sailed through rough waters at times, dealing with injuries, pregnancies, engagement trips, reschedules, moves from the Upper East Side, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARKOW!”, knots in Bobby’s hair and, of course, Ben Affleck as Batman.

With both squads coming off losses and both languishing below .500, this week is about gaining momentum heading into the playoffs and possibly gaining playmentum heading into the Mo-offs. For the Battleship, their craptatsic play of late belies their true ability and anyone who knows their roster knows that a Battleship with all hands on deck has the ability to sink any team in this league. Metaphor. And while Gibby may not ‘Stryker’ the same fear into the hearts of men and pigs everywhere, Sam Warden Norton assured me that, “Craig groped my ass last week. His hands were softer than I had dreamt.” Craig “The Craig” Craigerson moisturizes. Take a lesson, boys. Ladies love the smooth and apparently, Sam dreams about The C Dog. Don’t we all.

I spoke with Clemerican Secretary of Left-Handed Awesomeness and owner of Ball Gags & Beyond, Ebby Calvin Nat Laloosh, about this week’s challenge: “A good friend of mine used to say, ‘This is a very simple game. You throw the Clincher, you catch the Clincher, you hit the Clincher. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes … Breeze makes ribs.’ Think about that for a while. And buy ball gags.”

After suffering a heart-breaking one run loss to Division-leader, Ah Bah last week, Battleship Rear Admiral and clean-up hitter, DeeznutzBeAwesome, told me that, “we’re out for blood this week. Preferably AB-Negative because that is the best kind of blood for creepy vampiric human sexual sacrifice rituals and also to make salad dressing.” Well, that obvious bit of information aside, I think it’s important to note that finishing the season with a couple wins would put the SS Drink-A-Ton above the .500 mark for year and really lift the Sailors’ spirits for the playoff push in what looks to be a top-heavy but otherwise, relatively thin and very winnable Joe Fashion Conference. Goochy-Goochy-Goo will almost definitely have The Ship as a solid-to-heavy favorite entering this one and I can’t argue with that line. Gibby puts up a Prince Valiant fight but in the end, the Battleship drunkenly sails away victorious.

Field #2: Enids @ R Bar () 

Dang! This is one of those “all the marbles” type of games! Dem Bums and those Pinks! An R Bar victory secures the Fashion North division crown, while an Enid’s win pushes the excitement back another week. This one will certainly have a real playoff feel to it!

The Pinks had a bit of a shaky month following the July 4th holiday break, but turned it around with a pair of decisive wins against some struggling competition in recent weeks. Drew and Comfy have been red hot from the left side of the plate and Capt Calves has been shutting the door on all opposing hitters. The path to the division is clear for Coach Dom, win out and lock down the top seed for the playoffs. It won’t be easy. Even if they get the win on Sunday, a showdown with the Battleship awaits them in the make-up week.

The Bums have a game in hand, which gives them the opportunity to close out on Sunday. They have been steady wreckin’ fools for almost 2 months now, with their lone stumble being a 1-run loss to very good Impose team. Getting healthier has equated to better production at the plate and stingier defense in the field. The returns to form of Sam, Bubbs and Matt have made all the difference in solidifying the squad…just in time for a playoff run.

If you like watching the big guns go at it, this is your game. In fact, this is your Sunday! With 3Ks/Bedford and Bettys/Impose also lining up, be on the lookout for some real slobberknockers! Even if you can’t get a 32oz foamy to go, there will be plenty of playoff implications on tap for your viewing pleasure!

 

3PM

Field #1: Crown Vic 86ers @ Roebling Sports Club (Shortz)

The only acceptable way to point fingers.

Two teams that are equal parts golf nerds, sidelined ladies, and those with an affinity for a 5 o’clock shadow will face off before Not-So-Teen-Wolf hour.

We last met on opening day, when the RSC Remys blew an ELEVEN! run lead to lose, and the league began to take notice of an emerging powerhouse. The new and improved 86ers have been absolutely killing it this season. Not like a slaughter kill, per say, but more of a subtle, you’d only realize it’s murder if you smell bitter almonds during an autopsy kill. These Davids ave taken down many Goliath teams including R Bar and Enid’s, plus they swept Impose, aka the original Silent Killers.

But what about the Remys? It’s fair to say we’ve not been great performance-wise. But at least we’re not imploding and angrily pointing fingers at each other. Believe me, I’d let you all know if we were, what are they gonna do, not play me? But this has been the best collective mood in years. It’s been an absolute delight hanging with this group of chaps. Didn’t mean for this to turn into a concession speech, because we’re still going to try to beat you, Buttah. It’s just nice to know it’ll be a fun-loving game…If you put a muzzle on Andre

Field#2: Impose @ Black Betty (Homer Wadsworth)

Where’s Dubin?

Who knew it would be this late in the season and the whole South Division would be battling it out this close? Well, all 3 teams in the running did, that’s who. The Remy’s, hanging behind in 4th place, are playing the role of spoiler trying to be the team that goes out and beats all the other teams who were looking to beat on one another. For most of this season, Impose has been holding the lead over the Betty who barely held the lead over the 86ers. Now, here we are super late in the season, and these 3 teams are jockeying for position like panda fans at a zoo.

The last time the Betty faced the Imposers was Opening Day way way back in April when the air was still a little chilly and the excuses were rampant. To give some time perspective as to how long it’s been since they played, the Badgers just won an upset match over the Wildcats for the NCAA finals and two pandas at the Sichuan Panda Research Center, Lu Lu and Xei Mei, had the longest mating session ever recorded, 18 mins and 33 seconds, just shy of Dubin’s time of 19 mins and 10 seconds, the last 20 seconds of which were spent crying and asking to be held.

Now they face off and the implications are pretty huge. Honestly, same goes for the Crown Vic, but this article isn’t about them. Any one of these teams can win and will put themselves in a very good spot for the postseason.

My prediction is a pitching and defensive gem by both teams coming down to a few late plays and a masterful job by a rookie umpire sensation.

 

5PM

Field #1: Turkey’s Teachers @ Berry Park (Homer Wadsworth)

Did somebody say- Oh. Pick OFF Artist 🙁

Since the resurgence of the Yeti, they’ve notched a few wins on their bedpost and have railed off 3 wins in their last 4 game, losing to Bedford last weekend by 6 but keeping it competitive. The team has definitely taken off since Winnie ‘The Pickoff Artist’ Muentes took over and they’ve averaged 11.5 runs a game (totally possible) since the win streak began (and ended). With the power and pop that Nick Pizza, SpoTurbo and Steph’ have their offense is starting to percolate as the defense tries to recover from the loss of Annie ‘Sunnyside’ who’s going south to show off her gun & rifle.

This week he faces a tough and hardened Teacher squad who have lost their last 3 games but to some pretty good teams like the Bedford, Kings and Los Turkeys. Haz and Co. have been playing good team defense of late, but as he put it, “the scoring has been anemic, like when the straw from a Nest beer gets cracked’”. You know Haz wants nothing more than to head into this weekend with a win and a little momentum into the first round of the playoffs. And why not try and get in a scrape-up with the next team up the ladder and chomp on some Yeti heel? They got new jerseys, new players and a new attitude.

The Yeti will want to score early if they wanna get ahead of the Teachers and make their mark on this game. If the Teachers put runs up early, the Rooftoppers won’t like playing to a stingy defense that’s hungry for one….more….win before they face high seed come playoffs.

Field #2: 3 Kings @ The Bedford (Alexander P. Dubin Esq.)

Hang on, Baby Jesus; This is gonna get Bumpy! The 3 Kings. The My Team. The battle for Godsy North SUPREMACY (the softball kind, not the scary backwoods southern Indiana kind), BRAGGING RIGHTS and possibly THE #1 SEED and A HOT DOG maybe! With three huge match-ups across the league this week, laying claim to the moniker of GoTW and the monocle of my dead Uncle Ziggy (Bedford vs. 3K, Enids vs. Ah Bah and Imposse vs. Betty), this battle will have as much intrigue and face paint as Kiss concert tailgate.

In recent weeks, a Royal slide has knocked the Monarchs from atop El Godsy Norte, down to second place, looking up at Los Bruncherinos, who currently hold the #1 overall seed in the Godsy Conference, not to be confused with the Gawdsy Conference, which is a yearly gathering of Joe’s in-laws at The Prudential Center, sponsored by Snooki, Axe Body Spray and Illiteracy.

But make no mistake, the Kings can play with anyone, especially Kenny “Loggins” Colors, who took a moment off from playing two-on-two, totally not gay, sweaty, shirtless, still pretty sure it’s not gay, special high-fiving, tight jeans wearing, ok, maybe it’s a little gay volleyball, to remind me that one of life’s simple joys, is playing with the boys!

Aaaaaaaaanyways … After suffering their second major upset loss in a month to the Not-So-Soft-Spot Yettis, Nick “Fauxnetix” Tah-Me-O’s squad bounced back with a solid W against the Teachers last weekend and you know the usually understated skipper will have his squad ready to “Fucking Go,” as it were. Top to power-bottom, 3 Kings is still as dangerous as any team in this league and they ain’t afraid of no Brunchers. But should they be [question mark].

The Bedfordians sport a rejuvenated lineup, with the return of Doug “The Sexy Air Marshall” Hogan from the DL and the re-emergence of WSL premier player and former plus-size neck model, Phil “Parental Controls” Michael. This game has to come down to defense. Both teams can mash and even Dead Frank Gifford knows how deep to play big guns, Santoro, Molica, Hogan, Michael and Franchise. The key here will be who can hold the opponent down during Nestle Crunch time (brought to you by Hershey’s). I asked Bedford manager and Suicide Girls murderer, Mo “An Indictment Is Not a Conviction” Oughton about this matchup: “They’re a good squad but I think we’ll take ‘em. We got ‘em in Week 1 and we’ve been on a roll of late. What? Why are you looking at me like that? If you want something stupid in the article, then ask Matt Silverman about robots. I’m all business when it comes to this game and I really wanna have sex in that Russian Orthodox Church across the street, so I can shout the name of a different Muppet Baby every time that stupid bell rings, because that’s how Mosario Dawson likes to gitz down!”

For their part, the usually boisterous Kings had little to say about their upcoming Titanic clash of the clashing Titans. When asked if they were worried about playing toyt like a toyger in such an important game, the team responded, not with words but instead by stripping Homer Wadsworth naked, wrapping him in raw bacon, strapping him to a chair and making him watch the video of Carl Lewis singing the national anthem until H-Wad’s spleen shot out of his bunghole. God bless ‘Murica.

As all loyal followers of the WSL know, The Bedfordians defeated the Despots on Opening Day but that day was many days ago, in a different day. We’re different people now. We lead different lives. Too much has changed! WE CAN’T GO BACK! Not without generating 1.21 gigawatts of electricity.

Readers, I’m sorry but the only power source capable of generating 1.21 gigawatts of electricity is a bolt of lightning. Unfortunately, you never know when or where it’s ever gonna strike.

We do now…

Anyway, back to my original point, the Back to The Future franchise is awesome but can it win WSL POTW, like Kings’ star outfielder and award-winning gnocchi chef, Denis “Bad Touch” Bramley? Of course not! It’s three movies, you dumbasses. Your collective Borg stupidity aside, this game should be a classic and Russian Orthodox God help the Gooch in attempting to handicap this one. Personally, I have The Bedford winning it after an intense 17th inning game of rock-paper-scissors goes the distance … 3 out of 5, of course.

 

This Preview Sponsored By…

Toodles! 

The NEW New New Additions

 

Comments

Powered by Facebook Comments